Feelings on Paper

Disclaimer: I am blessed with an amazing support system, and I would not hesitate to tell any of those people if I wasn’t okay. Writing is therapy for me, and sometimes I need an outlet. When I share something like this, I do it because it helps ME when I read things others have written about their own experiences. It is my hope that, when I share, it will reach someone who needs to read it. Someone who feels alone, who needs to know that that’s not the case at all. No one is immune! And no one should ever be ashamed or made to feel less than. If you need someone, don’t hesitate to reach out. 

You want to know what my anxiety feels like?

It feels like…

I’m drowning.

Life moves a mile a minute and I’m grasping at sand to pull myself out of the deep but it won’t stop and it can’t and I…

Need. To. Breathe.

There’s a mountain in front of me and somehow I’ve forgotten how to climb. There’s no more room in my head, no space to claim for myself. There are a million things written down on a thousand lists that I’ve made and I’ve lost and I can’t…

I can’t breathe.

Life won’t wait. It begs, tears at me, jolts me awake. Sleep escapes me, torn apart by a heart that races the thoughts in my head and neither will give up, neither will slow…

I’ll smile, and I’ll laugh, and I’ll pretend, because I don’t want you to know. I’ll keep it quiet, even when I want to scream.

I’ll push you away, fold inside of myself.

I’ll ask you this: push back. Know that I need you.

Even when I don’t respond. Even when I don’t show up.

Know that I love you.

Even when I let you down.